After Michael Phelps disappointing but not surprising loss in a race against a Great White Shark on the Discovery Channel this past Sunday night (I had $15 on Phelps) I’m left with a couple burning questions:
1) How do you lose a race to a shark without also losing at least one leg? (I know the shark was a computer simulation, but STILL)
2) What people would I like to see race against a real shark on tv?
It’s important to consider these questions because, due to climate change, we may all be in for more direct competitions vs various species and elements of nature in the not too distant future and also because Discovery Channel is clearly open to any and all ideas for programming now.
So, here we go…
1. Shark vs Guy Fieri: The eater becomes the eatee.
If there is one guy on television who deserves to be eaten it’s this Guy. Hell, more people would have switched over from Game of Thrones if it was him in the first place. Sure he’s not a competitive swimmer, but after a lifetime of grilling various previously living things it’s payback time. And imagine how irresistible he would be to a shark, considering his plump stature and the fact that he sweats barbecue sauce.
2. Shark vs all of the Kardashians: Keep up with this!
The Kardashians have based their entire lives on being the family that other people try to “keep up with”. Well, sharks aren’t people and would not only keep up but quickly overtake and consume the entire family. Which would make for not only great tv but some truly amazing Instagram photos from inside the shark’s belly. And yes, I would include Caitlyn Jenner in with the rest of The Kardashians, because I am inclusive like that.
3. Shark vs Conor McGregor: Big mouth meets bigger mouth.
This is, of course, provided Conor survives his upcoming fight against Floyd Mayweather. But if he does, I would truly love to see the pre-race hype press conferences. McGregor is a tremendous trash talker, a bonafide showman and, by all accounts, a very tough man. But I still think the shark would be tougher, especially if the race strictly adhered to the rules of boxing. And I am absolutely sure that the shark is a better person than Floyd Mayweather.
4. Shark vs OJ Simpson: Battle of the killers.
We all know that the newly freed former football player/ prisoner/ completely “not” murderer is looking for a fresh start. Well, what could be fresher than putting that formerly athletic body to work trying to evade a killer shark? Of course he’s been incarcerated for a while so he wouldn’t be expected to race the shark without some mechanical help. Hence he would be placed inside a white Ford Bronco with one undersized protective glove and submerged into the ocean where the race would be followed by live helicopter. Then the theme of the race practically writes itself: Let’s see “The Juice” squeeze his way out of this one!
5. Shark vs Donald Trump: The Bigliest Event in Television History.
Let’s be honest, Donald Trump is an incompetent president and a terrible human being. But credit where it’s due, he is a HUGE draw on television. He is the greatest reality star in the history of television and when his name is attached to something 17 kazillion people tune in (source: Trump himself). He is single-handedly making television GREAT again. Hell, he probably could have beaten the shark in the first place instead of that loser Michael Phelps (“how many medals has he won? That’s it? Sad. I’ve won more than that. #fakechampion.”) I can honestly say I would watch this, despite the absolute horror of having to see Trump in a bathing suit. Because sharks aren’t subject to the rules of the Electoral College. And this shark may be the only thing that can truly stomach Donald Trump.