Especially for the people of Toronto

For the mayor that you “elected” left a lot of skills neglected

Which made most people want to see him “out” PRONTO

Though he’ll never quite be “out”, of that he left no doubt

When he refused to take part in Pride week lore

He could have marched in the parade not sure why he was afraid

(Rob) That’s not the kind of ass they’re looking for

The Liberals were destroyed when their hand-picked “golden boy”

Made the worst mistake you can in a debate

He tried to implore us, but in the process just bored us

While a better leading man did just great

We all knew him as Jack, there was nothing he lacked

With charisma, and talent and drive

It’s a cruel trick of fate we now describe him as “late”

This country’s better if he were still alive

But life does go on, and our PM is strong

Strong tactics, strong party, strong caucus

Just don’t get too strong sir, and don’t get me wrong sir

But Canada’s not supposed to be raucous

We’re in pretty good shape, our resources are great

Our leaders for the most part have “spunk”

But the best part I think, though some guys are dinks

No one tweeted any photos of their junk

His name is Anthony Weiner, by now you have seen, er

The “package” he tweeted untamed

He resigned after that, but I’m sure he’ll bounce back

As a porn star, who can use his real name

Bell and Rogers made a purchase

Of a team that often lurches

Just beyond the playoff cutoff every year

So now when you watch the Leafs, at a price that’s too steep

The reason cell phone rates are so high will be clear

There was the death of Bin Laden, Obama finally got him

So there’ll be no more waiting for later

Also gone are Mubarak, Gadhafi and more

What a shitty year to be a dic-tator

Then there was Kim Jong Il who was not Kim Jong Killed

But died, so his son will replace him

They will call him Supreme Leada’ in North Korea

But I think he should be called “L’il Kim”

So now we delve into two thousand twelve

The year Mayans say will be our last

Let’s give thanks Canucks, our country sure doesn’t suck

We’re just not as well liked as years past

We pulled out of Kyoto, which many think is a no-no

And some say makes us giant asses

So we’ll become a world leader in a world void of cedars

But full of greenhouse gases

And to close I go back to the man we called Jack

And the last words he unfurled

“Let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic friends

And together we’ll change the world.”

First and foremost, I got married!!! After somehow evading nuptials for a solid 39 years I finally tied the knot on April 29 to my beautiful bride Nancy. We had our wedding down in Saint Lucia with a small group of family and friends and it was every bit as unforgettable as a wedding should be. Sure, it rained during what was supposed to be “dry season”. And if the date looks familiar to you for some reason it’s because it took place on the EXACT SAME DAY AS PRINCE WILLIAM’S! (that’s just my luck). But on the bright side, the pesky British Paparazzi largely ignored our wedding and my family is better looking than the Royals. Plus Nancy is the princess I really wanted. So everyone came out alright there.

After the wedding my first gig was for a group called the “Young President’s Organization” in Vancouver and I shared some of the debating tips I have picked up during the last few years hosting The Debaters, which the esteemed group seemed to appreciate and I also got some good tips on marriage from some of the married veterans there (most of which involved “just say yes”) so we both learned something from that.

In June I got to participate in my third St. John’s comedy festival out on the Rock and was even scheduled on a show with a hero of mine, Mr. Dan Akroyd. But due to a mysterious infection on my arm I had to go straight to the waiting room of the hospital and watch the myriad of injuries that come in on a George St. Friday night, so again not QUITE according to plan, but close.

This summer I participated in the Just For Laughs festival in Montreal again, taping 3 episodes of The Debaters and also moderating a bunch of industry events for great groups of comedy pros like the guys from Funny or Die, podcasters like Paul F. Tompkins and Marc Maron and maybe the hottest comic on the planet right now: Louis C.K. Some great insights there and more motivation to keep getting better because there are a whole lot of great young comics coming up that are hungry. If you don’t stay current in comedy these days, you’re not really IN comedy.

Also in the summer I visited my brother and sister-in-law in one of my favorite places in the world: the Annapolis Valley in Nova Scotia. While there we decided to partake in a leisurely tube ride down the Gaspereau river which turned slightly less leisurely when my brother fell out of his tube and we all briefly thought he had drown (I know, hilarious right?) Fortunately though, he was alright in the end and it did lead to my most hilarious moment personally of 2011: I got chased by cows. True story. I got out of the river in the middle of a cow field, sopping flip-flops, inner tube over the shoulder and had to run for my life from a herd of cows. Those of you who say “cows can’t run” let me assure you they can. Fortunately I run (slightly) faster and so after I threw my inner tube, jumped over the electric fence and dive-rolled on the other side I regained just enough dignity to say hello to the kind Nova Scotian cow farmer (is that what they’re called) who had watched the entire thing transpire with what can only be described as “detached indifference”. I hope he was at least laughing on the inside, because I know I would have if I had seen a guy running for his life from a group of cows. If that’s as close as I ever get to Spain’s “running of the bulls” I am totally fine with that.

But this Fall is where things really happened for me personally. I embarked on my first Cross Canada theatre tour with Just For Laughs. Entitled “The British edition” (because every comedian on it except me was British) we hit over 20 Canadian cities in a month’s time and I got to reconnect with friends I hadn’t seen in a long time as well as meeting lots of new friends and fans of comedy and especially of The Debaters. Always nice to see that what you’re doing is appreciated by people and though I still don’t quite believe that laughter is “the best medicine”, I’m starting to see that it’s a very welcome diversion for a lot of people.

Also this Fall, The Debaters started appearing on CBC television on Tuesday nights after great shows like The Mercer Report and This Hour Has 22 Minutes. There really aren’t a lot of television gigs for comedians in Canada, so we’re sure hoping this one keeps going for a good long while and it’s nice to be able to share the television spotlight with some great Canadian talent.

And then there was the “comedy award season” (if you blink you’ll miss it) which basically lasts from late September to October. I had the honor of being nominated for a Gemini award (which I lost) and a Canadian Comedy Award for Best Male Stand-up (which I won) and also hosted both shows. I really can’t ask for much more than that.

So, needless to say, after all that I took a little downtime in December and left the entertaining of drunken Christmas parties to my comedy counterparts while I went to visit my in-laws in Florida. That trip was going very well until it took a sharp turn, in a golf cart, and my lovely bride Nancy fell out and broke her armL Thus, I have spent the last 10 days attempting to be the best nurse I can to my one-winged wife whose injury is a direct result of my stupidity (not a good feeling for either of us…but in fairness, worse for her).

Still, in a few days I get to return to Massey Hall (which was part of the Just For Laughs tour I hosted in November) to headline the “Comedy Extravaganza” featuring some more of my great comedy friends and Canadian comedy legend, SCTV’s Andrea Martin!!!! There really isn’t a higher note I could leave 2011 on.

So, as they say, there is really nowhere to go but down from here. Which is ok since according to the Mayans, the world will end on December 21, 2012. I’m not at all sure they’re right. But just in case, I plan to have my credit cards maxed out and be having sexy time with my wife on December 20.

Hope your 2011 was a reasonable facsimile of mine. I really feel blessed this year, with just enough unfortunate incidents to keep me in check. Oh yeah, I also moved to Toronto from Montreal on Sept 1. Only time will tell if that was the right move but the Montreal Canadiens are already suffering from my lack of attendance at home games. Sorry Habs. Good talk everybody…

One thing I wasn’t late for however was an appointment with my investment advisor who is trying to help me figure out how to make money I made this year last for several years into the future. It’s not an easy sell to someone who’s first financial advisor, my dad, had no training whatsoever and always gave ridiculous advice like “always pay twice the minimum monthly balance on your credit card”. That advice kept me solidly in debt until about 5 years ago. As it turns out, there are a lot of different things you can do with money and the more money you have the more people there are happy to help you. Fortunately my investment guy has been giving me advice since I had very little money and that money has grown so far, so I’ll keep listening.

Then I went to an appointment with my accountant who concluded that, yes, I had a very successful year and why that is a bad thing for tax purposes. Canada is one of the few countries in the world I think where, if you make money your first course of action is not to be proud and spend it but to hide it like a pirate so the government doesn’t take most of it. My conclusion is that Canadians who do have a lot of money and spend it openly (and have not yet been sent to prison) are among the most clever thieves in the world.

Other than that I’ve been taking R and R to the next level which included a 4 day trip to Montreal to see friends where I drank pretty much the same amount as I did each orientation week of university combined. As a result I’m trying to figure out a way to live in a steam room for a month eating only low-cal rice cakes  which strangely is not how most of my friends and family like to celebrate the holidays. So….January it is.

Tonight I’ll be attending the holiday party of one of the agencies who has booked a lot of work for me this year and I will try to only drink a “reasonable” amount. But that will likely prove difficult since I still treat most situations with an open bar as an experiment in new types and quantities of drink. As in “I’ll have a pint of Johnnie Walker Blue with a hint of absinth please.”

Anyway, I am also back to the writing board preparing for a big New Year’s Eve show (it falls on Dec 31 this year) at Massey Hall which I am very excited to be headlining and sharing the stage with the legendary Andrea Martin and good friend Ryan Belleville among several other very talented comedians. If you happen to be reading this in time, discounted tickets are on sale before December 9. And then the unreasonably-priced tickets are on sale after that. So if you’re interested in ending the year on a high laughing note in a magnificent venue for a reasonable price, get your tickets now!

OK, good talk everybody. And in case I don’t see you before Christmas…don’t forget to pick up some reasonably-priced presents for your loved ones. Or write them a poem, with an IOU for better presents at a later time.

I got to see lots of good friends, some long lost family, meet some new fans and most of all experience what makes Canada great and share it with my new British comedian friends. Of all the many shows and tours I have done this has to be the best due to the great organization and hard work of the crew with us and the enthusiasm of comedy fans in great settings.

The JFL tour is the one chance for comedians in Canada to travel as one group for an extended period of time and really get to know each other. It is similar to the comedy road trips I went on when I first started, where I would get into a car with two guys I had never met, drive across the country and see how my funny little thoughts worked in places I had never been. But this time, the venues are better, the hotels are better and frankly I am much better as a comic.

This is not to put down that early roadwork as a comic. Everyone worth watching has gone through it and it is the dictionary definition of “paying your dues”. Hell, I know I will still do club shows down the road because, as I saw Louis C.K. say at Just For Laughs in Montreal this summer “never forget where you started” and also “comedy has saved me numerous times”…I know how Louis feels.

At its worst, being a stand-up comedian puts in rooms you would rather not be in, with people who don’t care that you are there. The money is worse than waitering and some of your “counterparts” are horrible human beings that you have to deal with. But at its best there is no better feeling than winning over a room full of strangers, making them laugh as one and forget about their problems for a while. All true comedy fans know the power of live stand-up. And all true comedians know there is no more addictive feeling than getting that big laugh and seeing the thanks on peoples’ faces.

With that in mind, the Just For Laughs tour is quite simply the best comedy tour I have ever been a part of. Instead of packed bar rooms it’s packed theatres. The people have all come ready to laugh (with the exception of one guy in Saskatoon. But he was just weird). And most importantly on this tour, all of the guys on the tour were not just funny comics but really good human beings.

So while I am satisfied with a good tour in the books and happy to be returning home to my lovely wife (I now know what it feels like to “go away to prison”. So Nance, do some stretching) I am also sad that the tour is over. Sad that I won’t be going through my daily rituals of going over notes backstage, slipping on my “comedy suit” or jaunty cap that made up my stage outfit most nights or hearing stage manager Zane Van Hoek with his “5 minute warning” knock on the door.

The feeling of taking the stage to a packed theatre audience is one that not many people and even not many comedians get to experience. Just For Laughs provided that experience and I will always be grateful.

So to all the comedy fans across Canada that came out to shows in the last month I say a very sincere thanks. And I urge you, wherever you are, to check out my new British friends: Matt Kirshen, Sean Meo, Hal Cruttenden, Stephen K. Amos and Terry Alderton, all of whom are now off on their own tours. And there is simply no finer comedy free-styler than my Irish friend Rob Broderick a.k.a. “Abandoman” who heads straight into a few busy music festivals in the U.K.

Matter of fact, I urge everyone to check out live stand-up comedy in their hometown no matter who is on. Not just because the comics will appreciate it but because you need the laughs that only true stand-up can truly bring in your lives.

As for me, I’m taking a little downtime in December though I do have a very special New Year’s Eve show I will announce here shortly. And inbetween live shows, for the love of God listen to The Debaters on CBC Radio and watch it on CBC TV Tuesday nights at 9:30. It’s a great format for comedy. And there’s nothing greater than great comedy.

Good talk and hope to see you all somewhere down the road.

As for the Saskatchewan shows, both took place in beautiful theatres and were well attended, but I have to say, the Regina crowd was just a little bit more into it. This is not a putdown to Saskatoon but rather a challenge for next time. Matter of fact it wasn’t even the whole crowd’s fault. There was ONE guy in the FRONT row that chose to look at his shoes the whole night. Every comic noticed it, every comic referenced it but to no avail. This man had come to a stand-up comedy show determined NOT to laugh. To me that’s like going to the doctor’s office for no medical reason. I mean what’s the point?

The interesting thing about a show like that is, as host, I get to see the immediate reaction of each comedian and everyone felt the same way: that was tough.

Still, the people we talked to in the receiving line afterwards were all very appreciative of the show and thanked us for coming. Some claimed to have “never laughed so hard”. Which made me wonder if perhaps they watched from the lobby so their laughter would not disturb the show.

Next night in Regina we were all wondering if the show would go the same way. But thankfully there was something magical in the air in Regina. Right from the get go, with Abandoman doing their thing to warm up the crowd, everyone was more into it than the night before. It certainly makes my job as host more enjoyable when the crowd shows up ready to laugh and each guy on the show went with the crowd’s energy to spice up their sets.

And when the show was over, we got an even more pleasant surprise afterwards at O’Hanlan’s pub as Brent Butt and some of the cast from Corner Gas, who were in town for a fundraiser, showed up unexpectedly and shot the shit with us. Brent is loved throughout Canada but nowhere more so than in Regina, since he’s a good Saskatchewan boy who really put his province on the entertainment map with his show. Basically, being in a pub with Brent Butt in Saskatchewan is like being in a Catholic Church and Jesus sits down beside you: people are incredulous at first and they have to say hi and thank you. Brent takes it all in stride and is very gracious with everyone. He is a solid human being. Also there were cast members Gabrielle Miller and Lorne Cardinal, both of whom I have met before, so we chatted and shared some laughs. This probably gave the appearance to onlookers that all Canadian entertainers know each other, which is not true, but hey it is a pretty small community so it’s nice to know that it’s full of nice people.

As for Calgary, well, it was a bit bittersweet for me.

On the sweet side, I got to see my great friends EJ and Vanessa who made the trip in from Canmore and we went for a nice feed of Alberta beef and then to their friend and renowned DJ Cari Chang’s club called “Habitat”. A couple of the lads from the tour came with me, namely Terry and Mat and a good time was had by all. To be perfectly honest, I wouldn’t normally go to a DJ club, though I love great music, I just don’t want to be “that 40 year old guy” hanging out with the young people. But this was a perfect chance to revisit my youth with some tasty moves which I now realize are not really very good. But I had fun and it was dark in there. Plus, Cari is such a gracious host I can’t imagine going anywhere else in the city. If you are in Calgary and you like really good club music you MUST go to Habitat. Enough said.

Last night was show night at the Epcor Centre for the Performing Arts and I woke up slightly hungover but looking forward to it. I was also looking very forward to seeing my nephew and niece, Jack and Madeleine and my sister-in-law Chantal. We went for lunch, hung out in the hotel pool for a while and generally had some good quality time…and then the night took a turn. Unfortunately the lunch I had eaten disagreed with my system and about 2 hours before show time I developed all the symptoms of food poisoning. In fairness, it might have been a combination of a week’s worth of late nights catching up with me, so I don’t want to blame the restaurant we ate at. But whatever the case, it was all I could do to stand-up, let along deliver stand-up comedy last night.

The lads were all on the ready that I may cut my time on stage short and in fact might not be able to finish the show. But hey, the show must go on and so I delivered the best I could given the circumstances and lo and behold it all went off without a hitch. The only difference in the Calgary show is that we didn’t go out into the lobby afterwards for the meet and greet, but trust me Calgary friends, you would have been in danger being too close.

After the show, Cari, EJ and Vaness were ready to party, which wasn’t an option for me. But they were good enough to show the lads a good time, back at Habitat and by all accounts they had a great time.

So a huge thanks to DJ Cari Chang, EJ and Vanessa and the good people of Calgary for being such a fantastic crowd last night. Because I’m really not sure I could have put up with anything else.

Tonight, we’re at the Winspear Centre in Edmonton and I am feeling much better than last night but still far from 100%. I’ll let you all know how it goes.

Lastly, please keep the donations coming for my Movember campaign. The mustache is now best described as “80’s used car salesman”. I’m hoping for 90’s cop by the end of the tour.

Good talk everybody.

Friday night we played the historic, one-of-a-kind, first lady of Canadian entertainment, Massey Hall in downtown Toronto! Being backstage there for an entertainer is like being in your favorite sports team’s locker room. Except that it smells a lot better. The walls are covered with signed posters of the acts that have played the stage through the years, which is essentially anybody at the top of their game. Eddie Vedder, Neil Young, Chris Rock, Johnny Cash, if they’re among the best they’ve played Massey Hall.

I actually found out that many big name entertainers will only play Massey Hall when they come to Toronto, foregoing thousands of dollars in revenue from bigger venues for the atmosphere.

The place is haunted, but in a good way I think, with the ghosts of performers’ past and all of them push you to do the best show you can.

So it was that I took to the stage in the packed house, pumped to give the Toronto crowd a one-of-a-kind show and that was exactly what happened!

Full disclosure, I also wanted a top notch show because the night before at Hamilton Place I didn’t feel had gone particularly well. It was a nice big crowd and I met many appreciative people after the show that had really enjoyed it, but I just felt that I could have done better and there’s only one thing a comic can do after a set like that, and that’s come back stronger than ever the next night.

There is no better opportunity to do a great show than Massey Hall. Every seat in the house is a good one and with the house lights kept up a little bit, you can see everyone’s faces, which is how I like it. The challenge at some of these large theatres is that the house goes completely dark and we are delivering our show straight into a powerful spotlight. It’s sort of like doing a show with a train coming at you and then hearing voices laugh out of the darkness. It’s a little terrifying quite frankly. But not so Massey Hall. After my opening set was well received I turned the mic over to Matt Kirshen as I do each night and the ball just kept on rolling until, by night’s end, we had achieved an avalanche of appreciation which we couldn’t have appreciated more.

During the after show meet and greet in the downstairs lounge at Massey Hall (which again features signed photos of legendary entertainers) there was a long line of people waiting to talk to us, which I found a bit surprising in Toronto since it’s a city where often everyone has somewhere else to be. But the warm friendly smiles from people, including cast members from fellow CBC show INSECURITY (thanks again for coming guys!) was the perfect cap to a perfect comedy night at the theatre.

After Massey I headed down the street with some family and friends that had come to the show to the Imperial Pub where a dead ringer for Larry David was working the bar and the next thing I knew I was ordering pizza that I didn’t need at 4am. So much for perfect end to an evening.

Last night, still basking in the afterglow of Massey Hall we played the National Arts Centre in Ottawa, a venue not quite as historic as Massey but very, very impressive and I was quite worried it would pale in comparison to what we had just done. But lo and behold the Capital region peeps where Ready to Laugh (notice the capitals) and came out in droves (selling out a 3,000 seat theatre isn’t a given these days, so it was very pleasantly surprising).

Right from the first note of Abandoman’s off-the-cuff hip hop to our last good night it was a high energy and uplifting show, with lots of in-the-moment moments which are what make live comedy impossible to replicate on video. With the setup of the hall and everyone enjoying themselves I actually had to slow down the pace of the show and allow for pauses and in the end Ottawa was the longest after-show meet and greet of the tour so far, a strong sign that it went well.

On the upside, Nancy’s Uncle, Aunt and her surrogate family the Princes were all in attendance at the Ottawa show, so I’m really glad I didn’t suck. On the downside, it was unfortunately the last show of the tour for Hal Cruttenden who is headed back to Merry Olde England today and will be replaced on the tour by another outstanding UK comic, Stephen K Amos. We’ll miss Hal and his Tony Blair like composure on tour but he’s an in demand man and is looking forward to getting back to his family and getting back on a new routine which doesn’t involve drinking a handful of beers each night.

Now, I am home in Toronto to tape 6 episodes of The Debaters tomorrow at the fabuous Glenn Gould studio and I will catch up with the lads on Tuesday for a big show in Winnipeg. It will be tough to keep up the amazing atmosphere of the last 2 shows but I have re-affirmed on this tour that everywhere in Canada people love to laugh and I love being able to help with that….oh and speaking of funny looking, please don’t forget to donate to my Movember campaign at mobro.co/patterballs or through the Just For Laughs website at hahaha.com. I will update another picture there tomorrow, when I’m hoping it is slightly more moustache like and less creepy. Good talk everybody.

For my part, I was able to identify the one man in the audience who DIDN’T work for Capital One, a newlywed man by the name of “Lindsay” who I assume got in because his wife worked for Capital One and not just through a shrewd maneuver. And I must admit, it’s easier to get a connection with the audience when you can see most of the crowd eye to eye.

The tone for the show was set early when the CEO referenced a business deal in very honest terms and urged the comics to not censor ourselves. That’s more than enough permission for everyone to let loose and let loose is what we did.

Abandoman once again blew everybody away with his improvised hip-hop, Matt, Hal and Sean slayed them from almost every angle and then, as always, Terry provided something completely different at the end which our Capital One friends, particularly the ones in the front row, will never forget.

It was a nice chance for the sponsor to say thanks to its employees and for Just For Laughs to say thanks to our sponsor, which is playing a big part of getting us across the country. So thanks again Capital One for a great night and to Theresa, daughter of legendary Canadian comic Mike Wilmot who I forgot works at Absolute. Being the daughter of Mike she, by necessity, has the thickest skin of any comedy club employee I know and it’s always fun to see the reaction of comedians when shes dishes it a line that “civilians” aren’t supposed to be capable of.

Last night was a special show for me as we played the city I grew up in, London Ontario. I hadn’t been home for quite a while and hadn’t done a show in London since 2007, so it was nice to see old friends and some new comedy fans who came out to see how growing up in London CAN provide comedic fodder.

The setup for the show was strange as we played Centennial Hall where I had seen music concerts before but forget that in addition to the theatre seating around the sides there is a large floor area, roughly the size of a full basketball court, where they had set up long tables facing each other. Hence, everyone “watching” the show is actually turning to the side and most of the audience were sharing pitchers of beer throughout. Furthermore, the acoustics of the Hall can best be described as “cavernous” so that when you deliver a line from the stage it travels to the back wall and back while the next one is coming out of your mouth. Fortunately for us, we have the best sound people in the business on our tour and they did the best they could, but the environment was more like Octoberfest than Comedyfest, not ideal for stand-up.

That said, the crowd that came out came to laugh and didn’t leave disappointed. I had a handful of old friends in attendance who all had their own different favourites on the show (none of which were me. Thanks again friends) and I talked to many, many people afterwards who were fans of The Debaters. I’m finding there are a lot of Debaters fans across the country which is fantastic because we hope to get another tv season under our belts in addition to the ongoing radio series as a great format for comics to get noticed and unleash fresh material. And again, you Torontonians who can should come to a live radio taping on Monday November 7 at the Glenn Gould Studio if you can. There’s an afternoon taping which I guarantee will be more fun than being at work. Details at cbc.ca/thedebaters

Now, I’m sitting in my hotel room at the Delta Armouries, a lovely spot in downtown London where they were kind enough to upgrade me to a room with a grand piano in it! As most people who know me know, I don’t play very well. But I play well enough to entertain Nancy (it’s too cold for her to go outside right now) so I’m going to get back to that. Next stop on the tour, Hamilton tonight! And then Massey Hall in Toronto on Friday!

Oh, and I have also joined the Movember movement, to raise money to fight prostate cancer. I have never had a moustache in 40 years of life. So it will be interesting to see what 1 month can do. If you can make a donation please go to http://mobro.co/patterballs

I have never had a moustache in 40 years of life. So it will be interesting to see what 1 month can do.

Good talk everybody. Hope to see you somewhere on this tour!

Now, on to the experience of the Just For Laughs Cross Canada tour which has so far criss-crossed the Maritimes. We’ve stopped into St. John’s, Moncton, Saint John, Charlottetown and Halifax and each night has been a little different but always a lot of fun.

The Chaps on the tour with me are all good people AND good comics which is extremely important. Being on a tour with hilarious comics quickly loses its luster if everyone or ANYONE on the tour is an arsehole off stage. Very happily no one on this tour is and everyone can carry on a conversation about topics other than comedy. Also very important. Sure, it’s great to joke around and have fun. And top comics are generally the best at that sort of thing. But 24 hours a day of trying jokes out on each other=torture. Seriously. Rather than water boarding Americans should try an hour in a room with some of their worst comics and Wiki leaks would be totally redundant. Again, no one on this tour is like that, which=happy Steve.

Saturday night in Halifax in particular was a good time as the full house at the Rebecca Cohn auditorium showed up ready to laugh and the comedians gave back every ounce of love the audience showed us. Every comic on the show is spicing up their sets every night with new additions so every show truly is a bit different. And when I made a remark at the Haligonian audience to not hold the fact that the British had sold us defective used subs on the night’s comics, well, we were off to a roaring start.

Not that I’m playing favorites. Every audience everywhere we have played has come to talk to us afterwards and say how much they’ve enjoyed the show and how everyone on the show is so different. Which is true. And while Canadian audiences are generally polite and would probably never say otherwise, in my experience if Canadians don’t like something than they don’t say anything after. So thanks to all who have come out and you’re welcome for whatever “lols” I’ve played a part in.

If anyone is still on the fence about whether to catch an upcoming show on the tour I strongly suggest you get off that fence and get on it for shows where tics are still available.

Opening act Abandoman starts off with an improvised Hip-Hop unlike anything you’ve ever seen, little Matt Kirshen keeps the ball rolling nicely with stuff that has already wowed audiences across the states and the U.K., Hal Cruttenden is the Tony Blair of stand-up comedy, period. Sean Meo, being a professional snooker player (true story) delivers comedy with perfect precision and closing act Terry Alderton is…beyond description. Sprinkle Patterson all over that as the icing on the cake and you’ve got a great night of comedy at the theatre.

So I’ll look forward to seeing all of you down the road soon. Full tour schedule on this site and direct link to tickets at hahaha.com.

Good talk everybody.

First of all, I was quite nervous to be performing in front of a room full of comedians for the obvious reason that, well, comedians are the toughest group of people to do comedy for. Not that they don’t have great senses of humour (if they didn’t that would be a terrible occupational hazard) but they have seen more comedy than any other crowd. So it’s tough to surprise them. And comedy without surprise=death.

So I took a chance on “inside” material about the industry and hoped that my counterparts and peers might break a smile. I also had written a song about comedy which would either go over well or be the worst 4 minutes of my life.

Thank good GOD (I’m not saying “God” angrily here. Something went wrong with my Caps lock key) that my fellow comedians enjoyed it and the show got off to a great start. I must, at this point send out my sincerest heartfelt thanks to my longtime musical collaborators Mark Camilleri and Louise St. Cyr of Imagine Sound Studios who take random ideas and melodies from my head and make them into very palatable pieces of music. Because I didn’t have a lot of time to think of a name for the song it was simply called “The Comedy Song” and if I can get a hold of the tape from the show I will try to post it on the site. Suffice is to say it was an honest representation of Canadian comedy and it fortunately struck the right chord.

From there on in it was a cavalcade of funny presenters, performances and acceptance speeches where many excited performers and writers got their deserved due and, for the most part gave appreciative, sincere speeches. Except for the winners who weren’t there which, as I expressed earlier after hosting a Gemini Awards night, think should be a pre-requisite of winning the award. Like a Beef raffle at a Legion.

In any case, the night moved along briskly for me as I watched from backstage, presented the presenters and contributed comments where apropos (or in some cases not apropos, but that’s how comedians like it).

A very poignant part of the night was remembering two very special funny Canadians that had passed away in the past year: Leslie Nielsen and Roger Abbott. Leslie Neilsen of course of Airplane and Naked Gun fame and Roger a founding member of the Royal Canadian Air Farce. It was particularly touching for Roger’s Air Farce co-founding partner Don Ferguson as this was the first year he presented the coveted Dave Broadfoot award without Roger at his side on stage and it couldn’t have been easy.

On a happy note some of my favourite people in comedy received awards last night such as the Halifax sketch troupe Picnicface, Nikki Payne, Debra DeGiovanni and Pat Kelly and Peter Oldring of “This is That”. On the downside, a few nominations for The Debaters in radio and television didn’t pick up the wins but it was nice to see the show’s name up there.

On a happy and surprised personal note….I took home the award for Best Male Standup! It was my third time being nominated and I was in tough against funnymen Tim Steeves, Jeremy Hotz, Mark Forward and Darren Rose and I truly was surprised when they called out my name. So my acceptance speech must have looked every bit as awkward as it felt. I thanked “everyone who had ever put me on stage” and also dedicated the award to “all the comedian hosts and MCS out there who people come up to after shows and say “you should be a comedian too”. And I did remember to thank the person responsible for the still happiest day of my life, Nancy

From there on in, it was all pretty much a blur. Photos with the trophy, drinks with my comedian buddies, more photos, more drinks, more photos, more drinks, are those quesadillas?, more drinks, STOP TAKING PHOTOS!, more drinks, wake up this afternoon amazed to still be alive.

In all, it was a real pleasure being a part of the evening and the kind kudos I received from incredibly talented people like Peter Kelaghan, Leah Pinsent, Gabrielle Miller and Don Ferguson made me feel like maybe I have made the right career decision after all.

A huge, huge, huge thanks to the organizers of the Canadian Comedy Awards for bringing me in. Especially show producer Harry Doupe who secured for me autographs from some of my favorite Habs, a swag bag that kicked the crap out of any other free bag I ever received and my personal favorite, a Playboy Magazine featuring an interview with Steve Martin done in 1980 in reference to my “comedy bf” from last year’s Just For Laughs gala. Finally a Playboy I actually do enjoy “for the article”. Thanks Harry for all the kind thought you put into stuff for me and for everyone involved with the awards. And to all the nominees who didn’t win, I do know how you feel since this was my third nomination for Best Male Standup but my first actual win (you do the math). I know it’s a sinking feeling to not win but I hope everyone there really did feel the joy of being nominated and being recognized by your peers. Because in Canadian comedy, even though we have so many great talents, we tend to take it for granted. Something I touched on last night and will make efforts to correct with Canada’s media in the years to come.

And no, being the best male standup in Canada for a calendar year will not change me as a person. Except that, you know, if I don’t find something funny it’s probably not because I’m the “funniest man in the country” now…I hope that came across as sarcastic. If not, what an arsehole I must sound like.

Good talk everybody.

It all happened this past weekend in Port St. Lucie as Nancy and I became godparents to little Lila Grace our niece.

Becoming a godfather requires only slightly more effort than becoming an uncle. I became an uncle when I was 4 years old because my brother John is 20 years older than me. So really I wasn’t in a great position to give uncle-ly advice to my niece Tara. Other than the fact that when she was going into grade 1 I could say “don’t worry it’s fun. I just went through it 4 years ago.”

Since the birth of my first niece Tara I’ve become an uncle 17 times over and a GREAT uncle 7 times. What can I say? I have a horny family.

But this Godfather role was new to me. Unfortunately, I had to turn down the request to be a godfather once before because at that time in my life I wasn’t a good person to take on responsibility of any kind. This was evidenced by the fact that I couldn’t even make it to the actual baptism. This time around though I was older, wiser and present.

For those who have gone through a Catholic baptism, you know that it’s pretty straightforward. A little person (I mean a baby or infant. Not a midget. Though I’m sure some midgets have been baptized. Which is a much shorter ceremony….sorry about that. Couldn’t resist) In any case the priest has some questions for the parents, which they are well coached on how to answer, then the Godparents are asked to make a sign of the cross on their godchild’s forehead, then they are splashed with some exotic smelling balm, doused with water and they are free from their sin and ready to start on a new slate.

Little Lila was a little older than the other godchildren assembled, so she had a few more sins to wash away. My only real job of the ceremony came when I had to light a special candle and then keep it lit from the back of the church to the front. Of course, I actually had trouble lighting it, and when I asked the nice Church man who went by “Uncle Joe” for some reason “what if it doesn’t light?” he said something to the effect of “then you’re going to hell”. Perfect.

In the end, I managed to complete my only task and we went back to Lyla’s parents house, my in-laws Paul and Marisol, for a Baptism pool party. I asked if the pool was filled with holy water but sadly it wasn’t . A bunch of neighbourhood kids assembled and immediately began cannon-balling into the water and running around on the slippery cement to a chorus of “Don’t Runs” and “stop that’s” from the parents. I joined in to be a good Godfather but in truth, if my knee wasn’t preventing me from running right now I would have been right there with them.

I also had a chance on “Godfather weekend” to watch Lila’s brother and my nephew-in-law Zack play soccer. For those who haven’t watched young children playing soccer lately it’s very entertaining. The kids who are good are VERY good. One supposed “6 year old” on the other team scored about 7 goals and ran through the other players at will, He also had hair on his legs and a full beard. For his part Zack played excellent defense against the gargantuan and even scored his first goal of the season!

But it was more entertaining watching the kids who DIDN’T have the ball. Their activities ranged from playful wrestling to lying down in the grass and performing “lawn angels”. When they took a break to go to the “bench” it was about a 30/70 chance that the coach would be able to find them again as they scattered like Home Depot employees when it looks like someone needs assistance.

In the end it was a nice family weekend with my in-laws and new god daughter, whom we will start up a trust fund for to help pay for education and/or bail depending on how much sinning happens in the next 15 years or so.

Next stop: Kelowna for another fun-filled radio taping of The Debaters…